i..went red in my face. why.. wo hao pa..zai xi huan ni..
do you know how much effort i took to face you.? i can't face you.
all these are ephemeral joy. i can feel it. because nothing will come out of it.
because i lost my sense of security.
because i don't feel important anymore.
because everything is so virtual, i don't exist.
because i have so many to complete so little time.
because when i needed you, i don't see you. the feeling..
because i feel so helpless. no one is there for me. no one..
no matter how i scream and shout, i can't be heard.
then, i realised i seem to be left in an empty space like a vacuum
breaking down has become commonly seen.
i reached out my hand. no one sees.
then, i ostracised myself into my world.
i'm so afraid to fail to get out of this isolated dimension.
if i do, i'll lose myself.
lose myself..
i've written an end to this love.
it came back..
when you held my hand, i started to panic.
when you hug me, i begin to ease my anxiety. in you arms.
to feel your breath so near. made me breathless.
when your lip touches my hand. my heart slowed down.
"wait..is it right? is this approved? what is right?"
"no.. it isn't."
disheartened, i let go of your hand. i turned away. i kept away from your warmth.
it lingers.. "the lips, the hand, the hug. don't belong to me.. they don't.."
i hold my bag tightly, placed my hands in the pocket, avoid looking into your eyes.
deep down, no matter how you treated me. i like you. flames burning out.
"i wanna hold you.. i yearned.. ..but i can't.."
i promised. i won't get back to this love anymore.
"your soul, your heart, your mind.. belongs to her.. some her. ...not me."
i thank you for accompanying me. thank you.
"this is all i left.."
"no turning back.."
i went for the class gathering.. after that.. went to the park with meiqi and huiting.
in the playground.. i was.. looking at the stars.. and telling tales to meiqi.. until almost 2.
mm.. cool wind blows.. we went on separate ways after the chat.
i wasn't alone.
"i don't like to be alone."
ironically, this is ephemeral joy.
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