islenska 06.07.06 ______Here Comes MICKEY`!
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Monday, December 31, 2007

i'm fine. hahas.. finally.. a new year.. 2oo8

just went to countdown. hahas.. went to my house nearby's celebration.. hahas.
i shook hands with rui en~!! the top ten most popular female artistes.. wow.. not going to wash my hands liao.. hahas.. she wished me happy new year.. when i called her name out. lols.. so friendly.. hahas.. but of course.. the security afraid that she'll get hurt or something, surrounded her preventing us from getting any nearer to her.. hahas.. loves. hahas. what a special new year..

and.. watched fire works.. hahas.. i thought going to town would be a better idea.. but turned out to be that neighbourhood celebration can be fun too.. of course there's other artistes. but i just preferred rui en.. hahas.

this morning.. zz.. a lot of things happened.. hahas.. like.. 3am plus.. i started working.. sian.. tired sia.. not enough sleep.. then.. after work, bought some tonics for my mum and prepare the money to return someone else which was owed long ago. but today really too tired le.. i only wakes in evening.. lols..

but in the mean time, i was waken up by my brother for some computer's technical problems. waa.. tired.. still wakes me to repair.. quite angry.. caused me to take an hour plus to get back to sleep..

zzz.. bad tempered.. hahas.. i mean myself.. hahas.. nevermind. it's over. hahas..

a new year
a new beginning.

supposed to be a last day, last promise fulfilled.. but long ended.. woah.. gone.. new life~

breaking like the fireworks did.. woah~ my brand new day..
my wish for new year..

wish #1: good health for family and parents.
wish #2: achieve my targetted results.
wish #3: be happy always.
wish #4: friendship of my laopos will last forever with me.

=p simple and nice wishes. hope it all comes true..

Squeaks` @* 10:49 AM
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Saturday, December 29, 2007

woah~ tired..

i just found out.. when you undergo some hardship, you'll grow stronger.. and when you failed to protect yourself from harm once, you form a protective shield on the outer layer to protect yourself from even more. lols.. i'm fierce.. roar..

those uncles bullied my meimei. giving them no face, i scolded them.. shooting arrows.. lols


tomorrow working nehs.. i miss qian. hahas. erpps.. and wiie's gift.

lols.. i love chipmunks.. so cute.. show you this.. they sang.







cute.. hahas.. christmas and witch doctor. lols. love them.

Squeaks` @* 7:13 AM
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Thursday, December 27, 2007

i caused you to wait. sorry.

sorry..i didn't even reply you.. cos' working. hahas.. today can't go out.. but one day can okay? hahas. we'll go vivo city one day.. to play with waters, watch movies like promised.
sorry.. kept you waiting.. xp


at least.. i felt cared.. with you around. lols. mm.. thanks.. for standing by my side.. for almost a year. maybe.. without you there.. i might not stand. hees.. merry christmas-belated.


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wiie heh.. tomorrow.. hope we can enjoy~ lols.. but then.. die liaos.. forget to tell mummy.. no wonder.. i feel weird.. something forgot to say.. so this is it.. i need to go out with wiie. hahas.. cinema.. chipmunks. but she typed.."chick munk" hahas.. so cute..

previously busy with working.. and went out to ice skate with her.. so enjoyable.. i really wonder sometimes.. hahas.. that.. "does a dancer got influenced to fall with beautiful pose too?" lols.. lucky not ugly. heh.. and bought clothes. heh.. again.. wiie hors.. aiyo.. don't accept christmas present. she wants surprise. heh. and.. qian.. lols.. bought her a box of chocolate. we went daiso. lols.. favourite. yeah~ hahas.. jiayou bas~

i will miss you.. miss you a lot too.. wiie.. the days you've brought.. the memories of imm, ice skating, jurong east mrt station.. all changed perfectly. to your footsteps. the one that we share.. never forgets. i miss you.. you're more than best friend. so.. you're laopo-wife. the smiles. love you hao duo hao duo.. in hearts always.. always this considerate. this kind. this is my sweetest loveable laopo. you are the only one whom specially prepares added love in your gift.. only one. and i'm always surprised with your new gifts.. only one who can hold my hand and walk on like friendship never ends.. this pure and innocent friendship.

not forgetting jessie.. miss you too.. i spent the least time with you.. but you're one who's left deepest warmth felt once i got near you. you're too considerate.. lols. everytime.. you care for others' safety before you. you've forgotten yourself and put people in the first place. this is special you. dont' be silly silly le okay? if people see you go first, you don't twist to you see people go first okay? hahas.. too ke ai de ni le la~ only you whom touched one's heart.. made me feel this soft and too hard to even reject or resist your offer to let me go. but for once.. i need to protect you.. as your laogong. heh.

minmin.. apologies nehs.. always.. you're only entertained when i'm not with qian, wiie or jessie. but you always lend me your ears when i need you.. even a shoulder to lean on when i receive my results and cry like a baby.. without you.. i'll be empty too.. cos' of you, my life is filled up with more colours.. i won't be lonely in my year in sec 5. yupp. i love you. must know o~ cos' once your laogong always your laogong. i'll be there.. though i know you're surrounded with friends.. but when you fall.. i'll be there, below you, so that i can catch you.

last but not least.. qian.. for the past 2 years.. you were the one who taught me how to be a better person. to hear me say. to teach me what's right and wrong, to discuss with me. to help me in studies. to be a friend whom stays with me the longest. and the one who studies with me. whatever i've been through.. you're there to undergo thicks and thins with me.. and you made me feel i existed. i have countless words to say to you.. lols.. i just miss you.. hahas.

Squeaks` @* 9:30 AM
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turned into a squander-er.. lols.

spent quite a lot. on clothes.. trying to change a new look.
-a sunglass
-cap
-clothes.
-shoes.

and..
-textbooks
-stationaries
-school shoes
-printer.

wa.. hundreds. there goes my pay and bursary.

working again on 31 and 1st. lols.. new year coming. and birth too.
tiredness..

Squeaks` @* 9:24 AM
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Sunday, December 23, 2007

no time to update still.. next time. tired le. need to work. bye..

Squeaks` @* 7:19 AM
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Friday, December 21, 2007

a ruined day by you.


pathetic one year love

pathetic girl... out of sympathy.. i don't need sympathy. get away.. we're no longer friends. insult me and my family together. i hate you for that.

pathetic. what a reason to have a change of heart.. pathetic sympathy.. pathetic love.

say no more..



i'm changing skin soon..

i hate you.
i'm this extreme.. this scary.. not scarier to use your sympathy to pity me. i don't need it. pathetic.. i never hate anyone. you're the first. whatever owed. i'll return. get this clear.. i'm not pathetic. take back your sympathy.
you're hated.

Squeaks` @* 10:41 AM
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Thursday, December 20, 2007

the last chapter.

hahas.. say le ma~ got last chapter de.. hahas.. i went to his house.. to pass him the stuffs.. hahas..

-guitar tuner
-his meimei gifts..

ya.. i can ensure myself that i don't have feelings le.. hahas.. so.. this is the end.
his aunt scolded him for entrusting me to buy something for him..zzz.. and.. somehow implies to me that i pestered him. hahas.. but.. i didn't.. i only dote on her meimei.. hahas.. so.. i bought her christmas gift. hahas.. zzz.. being said that i disturbed his family.. kind of sian..

but i like his parents.. they are always so kind. hahas.. only his aunt. lols.

hope he'll live well.. happily.. and.. with his happiness. hahas..

i walked off alone.. wow.. cool.. i didn't turn back.



my new beginning.

hahas..i got to know the cutest guy on earth.. oliver tom.. i dare to say.. i love him~ hahas.. hao xi huan ta.. won't change de~ hahas..

Squeaks` @* 4:57 AM
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lols! hahas.. quite funny.. hahas..

i went to church with my family.. my father's friend invited. hahas. so.. had party there.. and.. funny.
there was this fun fair.. then a lot of games.. we played one of them..

it's called the wishing pond. then we have to throw the coins that gets into the plate. and my dad.. hahas.. he played over and over again.. cos' he kept winning. hahas.. got gifts ma~ then the person in charge was like.."eh uncle.. you play so many times liaos.. let the kids play la~"-----this is what i think the person thinking. then my dad said.."oh~ you see that girl?? that girl is sick.. she wants me to help her play... hahas" like this.. wow.. hahas.. this is so so funny~ lols.

and the lucky draw. hahas. they kept cheering when people are not there to receive their lucky draw.. lols. that includes my dad. hahas

*that girl is my sister. hahas..

she's ill.. hais.. cos' the camp.. lols.. i hope she'll recover soon. hahas.

Squeaks` @* 4:22 AM
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Monday, December 17, 2007

mm.. i never expect myself to say something so hurtful to him. i've never use hurtful words to anyone. he's the first.

well.. because he said something that i really got very angry. hahas.

guilty over it, i apologised. i have no rights to hurt people. no one has.

but i swear. it doesn't hurt on the left side of thumping place anymore. maybe..because i love him no more. from the moment i scolded him. i knew.

not even his sweet nothings to girls anymore.

i only need to return stuffs. heh. and.. all through.
then i need to chiong for "o" level. by the way.. still very anxious of my results.. zz.. though art teacher told me something confident. hahas.

i now only..as a friend hopes he will find his happiness. if possible, hope he and she will get together.

i'll lead my life well.. this is what i am now.. peaceful.

this is.. "my final chapter of you."

waiting for the closing.

Squeaks` @* 8:25 PM
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oh gosh..! i sneaked out. heh.. out of my camp. lols.

wait! before you want to say anything.. i'm getting my results, so i'm out to chill. heh.


my campsite just at choa chu kang. zzz.. this is far.. hahas..

anyway.. this is a super kiddy camp.. all kids.. i seemed to be oldest. "old"!! by the way.. i'm in group 1. where most younger kids are located. so.. to co-operate or even communicate is a total breakdown.

but okay la. at least they don't make noise or make a fuss. hahas.
had this water pipe leakage game. made my shoe and whole body wet.. zz.. i need the shoes for school today.. still wet T-T so happy that everyone did help out.. give a part of help. hahas.

and.. the lead blind king. then.. we have to lead him to a seat.. he's blindfolded. lols. hard.

and.. the cheer.. i'm going to have sore throat.

the aiyo.. forget le. hahas.

the camp is the toughest i ever came across. as in.. if there isn't kids, it will be tougher. lols. but the kids did caused lots punishments too.. T-T misbehave. hahas.. me too..

feel young le.. =p

nevermind la.. for now.. i know i need to get my results.. hahas.. then.. get ready to lie on the floor flat~ haha.. they wished me good luck before i came to my sweet home to bathe. hahas.. the toilet there got leeches..T-T everybody siam. hahas. no one would feel like bathing. the guy's toilet worse. frogs.. hahas.. we still have to endure the nice nice wild forest toilet environment. lols. and also the curtains that constantly open by itself. we can't bath well.. zz..

sleep too.. that lady hugged me when i slept. zzz.. made me.. -_-" wake up everytime. zzz. lols. cold.

hao bas.. gotta get my results le. hahas. all the best. i hope i get something of my expected. zzz. sian.
*please good grades..~!

Squeaks` @* 7:31 PM
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Saturday, December 15, 2007

thanks.. terence.


"don't think too much."

i will not think too much.
since this is already a broken heart.
i'll be patient to mend it.


jiejie..i still miss you so.


all i left is to return something that's supposed to be yours.
and..the last chapters of diary. you don't need to read it at all.
i'll throw it away.

i'll stay strong. it's only 14 days away.. and..i can start anew.
you're not needed.

Squeaks` @* 11:36 PM
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jiejie.. i need you so much.. right now..

i know.. you knew i'll have a hard time overcoming today.. cos' it's his birthday.. i never knew it hurt this much.. i never knew it at all.. it just struck me so hard.. that i fell without a single strength pushing me down. jiejie.. i miss you so..

cries.. i need you so much.. really..


cos' i'm not in his heart anymore.. not anymore.. i chose this path.. and this is what i have to endure.

i wished.. i never knew him.. never.. maybe.. i won't hurt this much then.. i won't.. i don't want to see..



last year.. that night.. we asked.. "what will us be like next year.. of this time?"
it's like this. i..

it hurt this much for the memories you've brought.


i'm redundant. forgotten..


i never.. expect.. never did.
jiejie.. can you ease my heart now? please..?
or.. anyone.. just stab it.. so.. it'll bleed profusely and die eventually?


i'm dead.

Squeaks` @* 6:53 AM
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Thursday, December 13, 2007

this star has vanished..
totally vanishes..
this is new beginning. or never.

i should never look back. never.
only silly will withheld this never true.
i promise..to never..look back.

look at me. why..
didn't i listen to jiejie..

ignorance is a bliss
now..i know.

pretend as it is. nothing happened.

as quiet as a step. smile.
remember when a smile brightens,
everything thrown.

i will.. settle..
once, handed up to...
i vanish..
you'll find me no more.
no more existence in your life.



you've changed..
your heart. faster than i do.

Squeaks` @* 10:18 PM
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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

mm.. he called me.. when i smsed him a sorry. nothing.. just.. sorry for breaking his heart.

i can't go on. with him. cos' we're not to. my parents.. already disallowed me going into relationship. *sigh. and doesn't he.. has so many choices around him? no more. i can't linger on. someone told me so. we can't.

and.. he don't have the feeling anymore. i only can.. watch him this far. maybe, by traumatising, he'll let go. i know it's bad and silly. but.. he needs someone who can make him feel comfortable to stand by with. not..like..me.. giving only no happiness but agony.

don't say le.


happy birthday. enjoy..your day. i wish you..happiness.


a girl with a pretty mask behind an ugly face.
you're too good to be true in my life.
not worthy of you.
all..my fantasy.

Squeaks` @* 10:51 PM
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telling you my genting trip~ *laugh.. excited?


1st day.
we sat on the bus for 6hours~~ wow wow.. but before that.. should apologise to xueyan. cause' early in the morning she actually asked her father to see me to the school so i wouldn't have to bring that heavy bagpack with me. 2 of them. *laugh. and then.. she still have to personally come to my house to rush me down. *sigh. cause' my brother promised to help me transfer his used up files.. in the end, he didn't do it. so i waited for him and got extremely late. and because of that, i strongly believe that she was scolded. sorry xue.

when we got there, i smsed a very fierce sms to gorgor. and quarrelled. *sigh. early in the morning. got onto the bus. smsed him. cross the custom, to certain interchange, i bought "my lucky star". after that, we travelled to the highlands. midway, the air pressure made our hearings to be blocked. and when we arrived our hotel, first world hotel, we weren't that cold. it was in the afternoon already.

then, we gathered.. and distribute our room keys and then we rest for a moment doing unpacking. i stayed in room 933 in 22 storey. xueyan shared the same room with me. and siyu and shuwen in room 932 same storey. huiyu and minmin room 931, lastly wiie and siie stayed in room 934.. we're neighbours. but teacher and juniors all in 91++ stayed near the lift. we got lost at first. but found it eventually. for necessities, they only provide showering gel. nothing else. zzz.

after that, we wore our school uniform and then had dinner and then our opening ceremony.. and went to look around in the shopping mall since there were still some time to spare. when we go to bed, it was already 11 plus.

2nd day
we went to have our breakfast at 7.30. but all were late, came at 8 plus.. teacher had to wait for us. of course. we got reprimanded for our discipline. and then we had our breakfast. quite nice. the breakfast. and then, we went to change for our rehearsal at 10 plus. we practiced at the lift lobby in our floor. attracted a lot of attention. *laugh. then we went down to the waiting room to practice until our turn. had to see the stage positions. got it cleared, we had lunch and then change to our full-dress for the coming competition. and minmin, she felt unwell, having difficulty in breathing. so worried. 3 plus. we performed. and after the performance. my turn. *laugh. had a relapse. but nothing much. the guys all finished watching the competition, only me huiyu, wiie.. wonder.. *laugh.. did siie come along.?

then we rested until 6 plus. then had dinner. and then.. think that was all.. had a bit of window shopping. heh.

but then you know what, these sweet juniors came to our room to have party. *laugh. joked and laugh. sixian~ your aaron. *laugh.. joking only. played murderer. the game. and uno?

shared our bed with wiie and siie. so warm


3rd day.
we had workshops. watch the judge's experienced dvd. then her explaination.. but we almost sleep. *laugh. cause' somewhat talking about history of dance.

then another workshop.. taught us some funny dance.. *laugh.. then we just..dance~ very interesting. and you would never thought of it. she's the trainer for our school's co-curriculum, eldds. not long, we had our dinner and shopping again~!

we've ordered a cake to call for celebration of our performance for the night. then we prepared to celebrate the next day. shhhh.. didn't tell laoshi. a surprise for her.

shuwen, siyu, xue, wiie, me played pool together. and our audience, juniors and siie. *laugh. wiie say i'm quite good. flattered.. *laugh. i hoped we can play bowling too. and we played arcade too. *laugh. i didn't know i was this lousy in basketball T-T. cause one minute, we only have 19points. sobs. and the step mania. the machine.. very outdate sia. and the car racing.

xintong. wiie was too hungry to smile. then i bought her mamee. *laugh.

wiie and siie slept in the same room as xue and i. shared our bed. so happy.


4th day
wow.. laoshi and us had breakfast together. then we seniors went to play. hahas. by the way.. forgot which day we went to play the van hellsing haunted house. what the... scared till death.. must go play if go genting. don't tell you the process. otherwise not fun for you guys to experience liaos~ *laugh.. then we had played the theme park outdoor games. *laugh. dragged.. cos' everyone seemed to have something to do.. so one wait for another.

we played in the end~ the cup.. the flying chair. the haunted house. and had our corn cup and milo. the cup, we crazy la~ we turned it so furiously that we almost flew out. and the previous guy, he flew out. *laugh so scary. we were like all dizzy after the ride.

and the haunted house. wiie and i more crazy.. kept screaming.. actually is fake screaming de. thought something might come out of the cage since we had the van hellsing experience. then we just scream la. but never thought of having the rock almost dropped, we scream like hell. think people thought very scary. but we look quite silly.

the flying chairs. what the.. when we were queueing, the raindrops were so big. then i wondered. what happened. what the.. when i saw all the wet foots... zzz.. watering plants.. then i kept complaining telling all my friends to cover their head. and the people in front who understood our language covered their heads too.. *laugh.. but i'm not going to stop~ *laugh. so when new people came, i complained again. then people behind also cover. *laugh. not good enough. we want a revenge~~ > <>

but not happy is those disgusting guys behind our queue saying, "why aren't any girls wearing mini skirts? nothing to see" what the hell, slap them arhs.

but feel so much warmer when we had hot milo. hot milo soon turn to warm.. *laugh. and then we blows out smokes. *laugh. when we talk.

last but not least the ticket which cost us 6rm de. bumper cars. wiie call it the "bombom car". *giggle. she's cute, aren't she? we banged each other. but you know, there is no reverse. so we have to turn to extreme to escape. i realised i can be a professional driver o~

had our dinner. and then the closing ceremony. you can't believe it. the hiphop dance were so perfectly fitting into the music playing. and. we got gold~!! only 5 dance groups got gold out of 20++ of them, aren't we great?

after that, we collected our 57rm cake to celebrate with laoshi. thank her for having hard time teaching us for the past 4 years. on the behalf of all sec 4 dancers, i thanked her. she's touched~ i'm so happy.. we got closer already.~! we got to bed only at 1 plus 2 am.


5th day
we got up early had our breakfast and got our bagpack and luggage ready. wow.. lots..

thank goodness on the bus, we've got the whole morning to sleep on the bus. *laugh. and then.. everyone was so so tired. poor me. *laugh. i didn't manage to take much photos cos' my phone batt flat, my camera no more memory. zzz.

but happy afterall. not only our relationship with laoshi got better, i got better relationship with wiie too. in future, i won't walk in front of you anymore, don't walk behind me too, we'll walk just beside each other, so i can hold your hand and walk on forever. thanks wiie~ friends forever~


reflection:
thank goodness for friend's company. sorry xue for leaving you out and go with wiie.. i'm really sorry. and.. wiie and siie, you'll always be my best friends. even to jc, i'll contact you guys. if not personally go visit you~ remember lala. laoshi, you're always a teacher in my heart, someone i admires~ thank you for teaching me. thank you for everything. i'll take your words in heart. to work hard. juniors don't bully laoshi. must listen to her o~ after we graduate especially.

i'm very disappointed with the teachers in charge. they are so irresponsible. we seemed to be invisible to them despite the school appointed them and leave us in the care of them. neither did they really care for us during the trip and they separated us with international dancers juniors. they even had their face black when we achieved gold. i think they felt that we're sarcastic to cheer for them when they got silver. the teachers. especially ballet teacher. very angry her. how she teach them de?! her attitude influenced the juniors. together with the in charge. how responsible can you be? thank goodness we're unharmed during the trip. otherwise? hais. extremely disappointed.

thank you laoshi for taking care of us~ we love you.

Squeaks` @* 9:01 PM
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i... hope i can say something.. more.. something.. i wanted in heart.. once..

a regret.

Squeaks` @* 1:11 AM
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cruelty.. forgive me.


heartless creature. walking towards him, holding a dagger by the side.
a girl walked towards him. her face, you can only see her evil smile.
swiftly, stabbed right in his heart.. blood..profuse.. he collapsed.
dropped dagger..and kneeled in front of him. she cried hard..
whispering.. "i'm..sorry. forgive me"

her..doings.. unforgivable.

Squeaks` @* 12:54 AM
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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

i went out with mummy.. except with my laopo..

we talked a lot. like.. my life?

and then..i see things.. not supposed to be seen.. what the..


to orchard, newton, and lavander.
yes mrt.. no mistake.


hahas.. tired.. so sorry.. wiie.. can't make it.. heh.. promise.. i'll be there..

Squeaks` @* 7:56 AM
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"I'm Not Missing You"
Oh, Oh
I'm not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiosity
Now that its over
What else could it be he just had to cheat
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
[Chorus:]
(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
Its a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
[Chorus x2]
No I can't be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when its right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life
[Chorus]
(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
(I'm not missing you)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
(I got life to do)
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
(I used to hate it)
Oh different, oh see the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me (knockin' at my door)
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
Oh different, feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you(yeah, oooh)
I'm not missing you (oh baby)
I'm not missing you
yes.. the chorus.. what i will be.
the bold. what i am now.
italic. what it feels like
the rest, perfectly fits in me.
this song sang my heart.
my song.

Squeaks` @* 7:13 AM
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Sunday, December 9, 2007

letting go every single breath of yours.
eliminating you.
standing on the edge of the world throwing your every single bit away.
forgetting you.
from this day, you are not part of my life.
my reluctance.

yupp yupp.. i don't know why.. i was having a grand packing in my room.. okay. not settled yet. hahas.. and then i found a lot of stuffs un-needed. everything except mr tiny.

last time~ yippy.



waa.. having bad time packing up. heh.. tomorrow.. play time~ hahas.. going to get award then return costume. last thing. hahas. we go out play.
all the sec 4 dancers has the priviledge.

and i realised, wiie, siie and my relationship got closer. hahas.. ya.. huiyu and i also got closer. hahas.. this is duble happiness. i'll update the trip next time.. very long story. hahahas

so.. hahas.. kks la..~~ jiayou bas~ hahas.. byebye~

Squeaks` @* 9:11 PM
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Saturday, December 8, 2007

never understand how it feels. like.. to read my past.. flashing through the past.. like a rewind tape.


it's so confusing. i hope i did something right. i really hope i do.

love can't be cut up
cos' love is a centre of one's heart
if it's ever been cut up,
the person's dead



i just came back from malaysia's genting not long. hahas.. i came back yesterday. i really wonder. hahas.. how i get all the energy to hold on till 2am yesterday. i woke up 2 pm today. hahas..

actually.. hahas.. during the trip, i thought it.. quite through. i still wonder how i'm going to face him. if his answer might ever be a "no". i really once hoped. we can get back to what we used to be. fearful of rejection. a build up wall of separation.. it welled up.. maybe.. a protection.. to not get hurt anymore.

the first thing i see his blog, "how have he been?" doing well.. what about her and him? the comments.. i just.. can't stop bleeding inside me. the heart. cried and bleed at the same time. i went numb all over. cos' i'm not needed. over sensitivity. acted up.

he once said.. "you can find some better guy than me. don't wait anymore."

i...know. my affections.. is my dream. forgetting him needs a lot of courage and time. using..my whole energy to numb off the pain. get over. it's over between us.. right?

how i wish.. i have the courage to tell him.. "i want to celebrate your birthday with you too.. for one sufficient reason: i love you." but..
someone says: you tried to do many things to see him again. to make up.. this is a normal reaction.

but..is it needed.? my companionship.. needed?

"our love was not simple." he said.

i requested too much. only pressurised him. maybe my away is not a bad thing for him after all. it's a no wonder..that he hesitated.

with his friends and .. accompany him for his birthday.. i rest assure le.

will i have someone by my side to celebrate mine too?

if i'm alone, i would go out.. all the place.. over.. has the stars to accompany me. and.. tiny.


silliness. i confronted him. feeling.. he's..different. very.. caused him to change. he wasn't like this before. his "i love you" to every girl, stabbed deeply. a reply.. he says..he's like this. flirt..
silence filled the emptiness.
he said..i love you so easily to other girls. miss them..
something i'd never do to guys whom i don't love. something so hard to say it out.
maybe i'm the cause to hurt him this deep. so..i feel so responsible. can i know..how to cheer him?
out of pain in the heart, i let go even more.

tell me.. what can i do?

i.. told him then. let it go. "it's over." he didn't do something unfaithful. is my fault.
let everything go. i doubt.. we can get together.

tell me.. what should i do?
doing right?

and i need to hand something to his sister through him. maybe for the last time. before i isolate my self.. to loneliness. the last time.. to stay by him. last chance. to be his girlfriend. to be..
how can i bear to..let him suffer alone?
but.. he has friends. i know i can.. can.. be.. your.. farthest guardian.. the most away. watch by you. i can't reach you. but you live inside me. just.. put my hand on my heart.. you're there. held back tears.
don't bear to.. let you go. but..i have to.

i know. if i'm far from you.. from the moment i leave you.. you'll be..safe. you'll heal faster than ever. won't suffer pains.

the day. i see you last time.. will be the day.. i leaving you..forever.
not able.. to.. see you. no more.

i'll bear the consequences. to take up..the pains from you.. be your guardian.. angel.. always..
i'll watch you from far.. always.. staying here in heart.

yui song.. 15 dec.. we watched her show.. with ending song.. "i remember you"


take great care.. cries.. i..love you..eternally.

Squeaks` @* 12:06 AM
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Friday, December 7, 2007

14 december

we had plans on going camping out overnight outside.. it was really fun.. hahax.. my family made a plan for laogong and all of us went to BBQ... hahax.. it was cold out there in pasir ris.. hahax... what's most irritating was, we have to carry heavy things. as people say:"no pain, no gain."

it was almost raining the whole day which caused us to wait and wait. and around 6pm, we set off to the pasir ris for BBQ..unexpectedly, that taxi driver took us to the wrong destination. we remember we said "escape theme park please.." but he sent us to the pasir ris heights (where all bungalows are).

there are BBQ pits.. but our BBQ pits are far away from the place he let us off.. and we had 30 to 45 mins walk.. hahax.. the moment we reached there we knew it was all worth it.. hahax.. because we were having fun.. other than food, we joked and played until late night.

we pitch a big tent and spent the night there.. hahax.. wow.. it was like.. hahax.. all my siblings gathered and talk about ghost stories either experienced or hear-says.haix.. everyone fell asleep.. i wasn't in a comfortable position.. hahax. in the end.. i didn't sleep for the night.. poor thing.. my laogong also can't sleep.. can't sleep without his pillow and other necessities la.. hahax..

we chatted whole night about past.time flies, not long after.. my siblings woke up.. we sat by the rocks on the shore looking at the starry night.. we discovered some horoscopes or star signs.. hahax.. best of all.. shooting stars!!! hahax.. wish and chatted the whole day away..it was not before long the sun rise.. we were just between daylight and night.. such a strange feeling.. hahax..

we ran to another side where we can see a clearer side of sunrise.. noticed one thing.. we can only see the shades of sky turn bright.. haha.. because.. we are not in the place of east.. but this is the first time, i watch sunrise and shooting stars with someone i love... hahax..soon.. rest, then packed up.. then we get back home to rest...


15 december

it was supposed to be a celebration.. hahax.. both of us went to catch a movie.. In cineleisure, where we first met and know each other.. hahax.. a movie called "midnight sun" main character, yui.. and theme song of it: goodbye days.. it's a touching movie...

sickly girl contracted a disease called 'xp' whereby she can't get near any UV rays(sunlight) otherwise, her life will be in danger. due to her condition, she can only go out at night. her deep passion for music made her to be determined to perform on streets and would return home before sun rise.she admires a neighbourhood high school boy who passes by her house every morning.

one day(during the night) she met him and decide to introduce herself to him. they became friends and he toured her around the city and let her perform on the streets which both had arranged to in advance. he became her boyfriend on that very same day.he fulfilled her wish of making her own cd with her nice vocal and self-composed song.

however, she passed away soon after that. her songs was played on radio not long after her death. her voice reached every single heart and she will always live in people heart and we went to his house for celebration..

hahax.. pressurized.. i went bonkers.. hahax.. stupid china accents.. hahax.. perhaps influenced by school.. and we celebrated in his house.. hahax.. and a fruit cake.. hmm.. it was nice.. overall tired.. KO.. down.. hahax.. and look forward to 24~!


this was a discovery. hahas.. i forgot.. i got another blog. hahas.. this is what it says.. hahaa. last year.. past le.

Squeaks` @* 11:59 PM
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Sunday, December 2, 2007

subconsciousness

honestly speaking. i felt out of your life for too long. it's extremely weird..to say sweet nothings to you again. i'm confused in my heart..too.


mm. i don't know why. ever since the trip from pasir ris, i've been crying. and in the morning, unwillingly packed my bag. got the tie from nu er. hahas. and she treated me donuts and bubble tea. i gave the cake to him. as a birthday gift.

mm. i really upset when i went there to see him. and i saw his parents on my way there. hahas. honestly speaking, i like his parents.. hahas. don't know why. just the first look jiu hen like le.

then.. i passed him the gifts. and told him i still love him. but.. i felt weird. ya.. feelings..


anyway... almost 3 am. hahas. i.. need to see doctor le. sharp pain in stomach.. kept breaking out cold sweat when this happens. can't even talk. and the lungs.. burning away.

maybe one day.. if i pass on, please don't be shocked. i will cherish my time with you guys de. hahas. love you all~~ hahas. just come for my funeral, i'll be more than contented. remember me guys. but don't be sad.




to say i love you to someone dearest to you is so so sweet. but to someone whom you may love yet so distant, it's weird.

maybe, i give you a lot of surprise from the past. now i wouldn't able to. if i were to provide you with a lot of surprise, and when i grow old, ran out of ideas, could no longer give you surprise. would you love me like you used to be?

i'm just an insignificant character who once appeared in your life. even if i die right now, it doesn't matter. cos' i have no "hold on"s in the world.

Squeaks` @* 8:55 AM
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i want to see no more.

i saw..thetruth. i want to hear no more. see no more. no more.. no more~

destroys. iwas this silly.. this silly. i want to go.. go pasir ris. the beach. i.. just realised. you lied.



why do these words come from you when you don't love her?
i want no more.

tiny.let's go.

Squeaks` @* 12:46 AM
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i wish..to see the stars again. meet up with the stars. like last year. but this time, alone. i know. he'll not be there anymore. though..i wished he could. at least.. accompany me watch the stars. i'll bring tiny along. alone.

i care..



leaving by tomorrow. do you.. have something..to tell me?


i can only watch you from far.
i'll hug uu until uu get there,, and i'll let go.

Squeaks` @* 12:01 AM
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Saturday, December 1, 2007

somewhere where i don't belong.

right. that's right. i don't belong there; had myself indulging in this emotions. the weather perfectly suits my mood.


i got up in the morning, got to know new friend, jieming. a colleague. and he's a cool, quiet guy. and to be shocked early in the morning. luther, zijie working! my seniors. hahas. quite cool. we worked like normal and parted in our ways after the work. and shane, he has already done his job. not working anymore. yupp.

here. i collected 8 school ties. 2 more to come tomorrow. yupp. elroy and yeeteng lending me. hahas. and.. xueying, need to tell her that i really appreciate her help. and joseph and jiaxian. thanks for making the effort by coming down to lend it to me. sorry about calling xueying for disturbance. and aloysius, elroy, lei yi, kai yi.. guys.. thanks~

mm.. i went to aloysius's house. but those who promised played me out. zz.. thank goodness there are guys who has a lot of ties. haha. glad.

and on my way, i had dinner with jiaxian. and.. i told him to part in the control station. but he said he'll see me to the bus stop. thanks for the company. but i'm fine.

just.. quiet all along. and there was this 2 ladies. crazy. hahas. she twitched on my head dude! crazy. i don't know them. but i can still tolerate.

and when i alighted in bus interchange, i saw the place.. where he used to fall in his squad. he bus stop where we took bus in many events.
-when he had his passing out parade, he saw me home.
-on his 18th birthday, we took bus to bbq pit.

and.. then remembering everything out of sudden. i took bus 403. to my campsite

on the way, i saw the route..he took. the last chalet together. his path, the chalet, the bus stop. the rocks near beach, the bbq pit. the trees.. everything. all came back to me.

just out of sudden, my eyes stung and water welled up. it's sour. i didn't know they are tears.


after i placed my bag inside the room, i brought my brother to spider web. we climbed. i reached the top again. and then.. came down, till the rope that i can't reach the ground. remembering, you held me, carried me down. but now, i jumped down..on my own.

i walked.. to the swing.. swing as high as i could. remembering that i once told you, "i love to swing myself high and all the way, so that i can throw every single sadness away. that's my purpose to play a swing!". then, with you around, swing is rather redundant to me. but now, i need it more than ever. the leaves fell.. a piece by a piece. look beautiful. yellowish green. the perfect view. then, i wished you were here to see. every piece stand every single bit of yearning and missings.

i walked.. as i walk, we stop by the rocky area. beach is just beside it. i look at the sea. with some shining bright factories. faraway. the sky was a bit reddish.. purplish. i can't see a single star. all covered by the clouds. then, i remembered, having you to rest on my legs, watching the stars. observing constellation, star formations. and even our wishes.. shooting stars. sea breeze.. it was the world's best happening ever. a dream where girls hoped and pinned for. but now, i'm sitting here alone, watching the sky full of clouds, as if it's going to rain. like how i felt. spotting stars alone.. all alone.

having to look at the trees. remembering.. we ran.. to rushed for the sun rise. the first night, we ever spent. together, watching the sunrise. having cold wind blowing at me. but no fear. i've got you. your warmth. your hug. we watch the sun rise. but now. i'm in darkness. surrounded. for i know, in every future sunrise, the fortunate girl to receive the warm hug, will no longer be me. no more.

warm tears really started falling.. i yearned.. yearn for your love. that will never return. i know. empty inside. i wished. wish you were here with me. so.. this year, i won't be so lonely. the first shooting star.. i wished for.. will no longer be fulfilled. *"i wish.. we'll be together for this lifetime, many more. eternal. please grant me this wish. to love only you." how i wish.. how i yearn. how i miss. every single moment i used to spend with you. it's deeply engraved in my heart.

i cried.. harder.. harder. silent cries. no one hears me. for i know, this moment won't last. remembering when i first used "eternally".. "i love you eternally" you say, it's a stronger word than forever. as though it will never end. till time ends, or even longer than time ends. i.. use this word..ever since.

i know..that. from the very moment.. you told me. "i'm not worth it. find another better guy. who treats you better." you shattered my heart. i don't believe what i've heard. carrying a single hope to hear only "i love you". but you've repeated it. exactly the same. i know..even now, you'll give me..the same answer. i can only slowly step back. a step by a step further away from you. closing my eyes, no longer knows how far i have walked away. so i won't turn back to you.

i'm just this silly. this place no longer..belongs to us. not part of me, but had parted me.

and sometimes.. i really wondered..if everything had happened. it's just like a dream. we..are not together anymore. however, it lingers. last year's october till now, the joy you've brought me filled my dull life into lively. but now, i don't what's in me. the memories were so much.. that i can't stop crying. all the way home.


for this matter of fact, we're not together anymore. impossible "dream come true"


my life..is incomplete without you.
but you'll never come back anymore
until the very december,
enjoy our very last moments of joy..together.

Squeaks` @* 9:32 AM
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About

.stella.sekki.
Age 17. Jan baby.
Student.Vocalist

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History




April 2007
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