after typing chapters after chapters, i think i have to give myself a break to tell about something i wish to say. well. nothing much.. this september holiday, is not really a holiday.. a lot had happened.
2 days ago.
hmm.. we went to some kind of auction that was organised with the prayers of seventh month festival.. however, i lost my accessories at the location after i took out in order to do stunts as my brother and i promised. well, it was all right. i passed all my accessories to my brother. little did i know, he actually lost everything. i wasn't happy of course. but then, i didn't blame him
my mum practically push all blame onto me, saying that i shouldn't have taken out. and that was so extra. "if you don't wish to wear it, then don't wear! now it's lost and wasted!" she blamed. what can i do? to amend my mistakes, i took the effort to look for the lost even knowing that my brother went there to look for it. i found nothing so i went back.
knowing nothing at all, she scolded me even badly after my return. i was so curious. she kept blaming and reprimand me till i got home. feeling bad, i threw the heavy bag of things. when i wanted to place it in the taxi boot, the plastic bag broke and everything scattered.. the more scoldings i got.
later, i found out that my elder brother told my dad that i was kidnapped. then they blamed my younger brother who lost my stuffs. my mum who thinks i was in wrong and caused blames to be on my brother's shoulder, got very unhappy and reprimanded me. she dote on this brother very very much. so no doubt, someone has to take the blame. hais.. should say i sway lo..
yesterday and today
i avoided talking to her so there won't be unhappiness.. but she thinks that it is my fault again. she complained that i was throwing tantrum and unhappy that she reprimanded me. hais.. she didn't even bothers to hear me out. how she knows how i feel. it's all her conclusion. hais. the only person who can cleared the air is my sis. she help to investigate and told me that my mum said this in anger: go out better! no need to see her face. i take it as i never had this daughter!
what can i say? hais
doubts, confusion & love?
oh.. these days, i turned very moody cos' some other places has trouble that is still brewing. so naturally, he was affected. on that very day, i contacted him. but he wasn't in mood too. so he wasn't able to console me. unable to clear my problem or find a soulmate, i got emo each day.
in addition, i was really jealous about her. though it's the treatment problem, but i got better cos' she's not present but the past. i kept noticing. he was somehow, feeling quite bothered or interrupted cos' i called at the wrong time. he doesn't likes to talk either. so, we somehow drifted further.
due to his reactions to me, i felt the irrtitation i caused to him. no doubt, his feeling to me was suspected. all the cold reactions, the behavior, i began to doubt his feelings for me.. i was confused when i mixed all to get the answer.. but as time passes, i felt disheartened.
today, i think i would speak our hearts out. so i know how he feels. but then, he never really say much. reasonable. but i come to know that there are still much to understand. blogs are supposed to be personal, thinking of own. so.. i won't force. but somehow.. hais. nevermind.
he was emotional. but i wish to know why. but he doesn't know why. can't tell me anything. i can do nothing. but to see him like this on and on. well, i have nothing to then.
though i thought it might be reasons that it has faded, but he said it wasn't. maybe, just the way i was is better. as for now, the feelings weren't as strong as before. to me, the feeling weren't as strong as i thought. now, i speak to friends be it guys or girls, i just feel the emptiness. maybe, to fill up the place where i felt lost in that aspect. but seemed to contradict and caused another effect. well.. i'm okay. hahas. maybe.. if i get back to my old self, i can fill up that emptiness within me.
not only attention.. but the care.. i wanted.. it's okay.. maybe.. we'll see..?
the deteriorating health
i suspect.. gastric ulcer.. the sharp pain existed suddenly. till now, and i got flu.. i was thinking to see a doctor. hahas. so got to work hard for my own consultation fees. i certainly hopes that the clinics will drop the intention of referring me to hospital again. whatever equipment they lacked, please be there. i don't need confirmation for this illness.. just give me medicine.. so i can control..
going to have fever soon.. the flu got worse with something stuck in the lungs.. something like this.. then soreness in throat and heavy headed. just some coughs and running nose. i'm okay!! just need some panadols to be under control.. hees.
i was.. thinking.. if i dies, ... what will happen? the world still moves, the time still goes.. hahas.. just out of sudden.. he asked me the same question.. but to me, cry non-stop.. he's the one true love before so many others' play.. he stands an important place, if this happens, i think maybe, i'll make hundreds of stars, to be accompanied with him. and wait for me, i'll be there soon after my lifespan ends.. will be remembered. deeply.. all that have been done, kept in a special place.
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