islenska 06.07.06 ______Here Comes MICKEY`!
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Friday, February 29, 2008

i..went red in my face. why.. wo hao pa..zai xi huan ni..
do you know how much effort i took to face you.? i can't face you.
all these are ephemeral joy. i can feel it. because nothing will come out of it.
because i lost my sense of security.
because i don't feel important anymore.
because everything is so virtual, i don't exist.
because i have so many to complete so little time.
because when i needed you, i don't see you. the feeling..
because i feel so helpless. no one is there for me. no one..

no matter how i scream and shout, i can't be heard.
then, i realised i seem to be left in an empty space like a vacuum
breaking down has become commonly seen.
i reached out my hand. no one sees.

then, i ostracised myself into my world.
i'm so afraid to fail to get out of this isolated dimension.
if i do, i'll lose myself.
lose myself..


i've written an end to this love.
it came back..

when you held my hand, i started to panic.
when you hug me, i begin to ease my anxiety. in you arms.
to feel your breath so near. made me breathless.
when your lip touches my hand. my heart slowed down.

"wait..is it right? is this approved? what is right?"
"no.. it isn't."

disheartened, i let go of your hand. i turned away. i kept away from your warmth.

it lingers.. "the lips, the hand, the hug. don't belong to me.. they don't.."

i hold my bag tightly, placed my hands in the pocket, avoid looking into your eyes.

deep down, no matter how you treated me. i like you. flames burning out.
"i wanna hold you.. i yearned.. ..but i can't.."

i promised. i won't get back to this love anymore.
"your soul, your heart, your mind.. belongs to her.. some her. ...not me."

i thank you for accompanying me. thank you.

"this is all i left.."
"no turning back.."


i went for the class gathering.. after that.. went to the park with meiqi and huiting.

in the playground.. i was.. looking at the stars.. and telling tales to meiqi.. until almost 2.
mm.. cool wind blows.. we went on separate ways after the chat.
i wasn't alone.

"i don't like to be alone."
ironically, this is ephemeral joy.

Squeaks` @* 9:46 PM
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

silence.. this was what i did for the past 2 weeks.. less than 10 sentences is spoken. i've become an introvert. this is not me.. i don't wish to return to what i was. i miss qian, wiie, siie. i lost my presence.

i had been quiet. lowering my head as if i did wrong to the whole world.. and i thought i did. i did to someone. another announcement was made. it affirms the impossibility of return.

this was yesterday.. i cried. when i saw blood out of my spitted saliva. i feel so helpless.. no one's there for me. no one. i miss the days. last year was the best year. i "graduated" that year. i'm living in the past. my own dimension. what does that insignificant blood shows? i'm getting myself into trouble. the reluctance of knowing the fact-- i might have already contracted stomach ulcer. or worst, a deadly disease. sending myself to the grave.

i cried hard.. i'm still alive. i am.

i have all symptoms.. constant pain. i lost my senses. for all i care, my studies comes first. i wonder at times.. how long more do i have? my ignorance.

some thing happy. i've completed my common test. my utmost concern is my mother's reactions towards my result. i think i did badly. i didn't try my best. i didn't. i feel guilty. i know where i stand. therefore, i wish opt for my second thought..-going to polytechnic. hoping to continue with my mild hope. the chemistry? yea.. i wonder.. can i make it? *laugh. maybe yes.

i feel so tired. can i..rest? is there anybody.. who can lend me his/her shoulder to lean on? can you..hold my hand and walk on the rest of life with me? can you..watch the stars of hope with me? my simple wish.. -making a wish is easier than fulfilling.
i..need a rest.

life is short.. cherish everyone around you. i think i will live longer.

should i.. see a doctor now? or after my "o"levels.? in dilemma.


i wanted to watch leap years. i think.. i got it wrong.
i told him that i wished to watch. he said he wanted too. but.. he said there is a tradition in Irish. that on the special 29 feb, if a girl ask a boy to go out with her, he has to oblige. he has his duty to do. but then, we need to attend the class' celebration for completion of common test. i was thinking.. i should watch it alone. this movie must be watch on 29th. this is once in four years' special day. i can't miss it. i..wish to go pasir ris park too.. i shall see.? but..going alone.

i feel bad. sorry for..mm.. thoughts of going alone. mm.. well.. attend something more important for yourself. -whisper.

sigh..

Squeaks` @* 12:19 AM
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Saturday, February 23, 2008

happy.
lols.. glad that points are taken. hahas..
i was taught to be.. mm.. hard working. hahas..
opps.. didn't study.. hard to prompt.. besides.. all are memorising. sobs.


but endothermic ones.. need examples.. hahas.. shouldn't hold him up. yupp..
the rest.. think i left only the maths..thank goodness i have him to teach me. hahas.. mm..
really happy.. i'm so happy.. grateful. he don't have time next week cos' he has something on.


mm.. happy.. hahas..
his reactions so cute.. hahas.. =)
mm.. i err.. notice.. he always apologies. mm.. shh..
shouldn't say too much hahas..


should be too grateful that got someone teach me. hahas. really.
hahas.. happy.

i..tired le.. hahas.

he lent me a book~ i will read de. smile. =) thanks lots~!


i hope i'm not just engaging into another to forget you. i know i won't..i won't

Squeaks` @* 2:16 AM
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Friday, February 22, 2008

i spent another day crying.

enough.. i know i'm not like that. not living like this..
to not get into niceties. [illusions.]
let go..



i got quite upset.. the gift didn't reach her. i hand it personally to her parent and aunt.. but he just simply gave it away while i spent hardwork to buy for her.. specially for her.. this is too much. angry.

how can they do this? it's my rights to give her. it's her rights to receive. and belongs to her. any sorts of threats is overboard.. how can they..

mm.. despite all the things that happened.. i still like her sister a lot. hahas. still very angry.. the pooh/tigger didn't reach her.. sobs.. given away somemore.. something for her.. belong to her.. hais.. angry..




not giving way~ lols.. yeah~ threatening him now~~ hahas.. give me all your books.. hahas.. tomorrow he's teaching me lo~ hahas.. need to read up le. lols. got to work hard. hahas.yupp~ yes teacher sir~ hahas.. ..to be continued okay?.. > <

anyway.. common test.. mm.. chemistry, physics and geog left.. tired.. tired.. not good.. need to jiayou. i wish i could watch a movie. hahas.. relieve stress.. hahas.. bleahs.. xp see first bas~

Squeaks` @* 6:41 AM
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Thursday, February 21, 2008


mm.. don't confused me.
i'm susceptible.. i got so confused when you say you miss me.. i don't want to be..her.
i doubt you have forgotten her..
you didn't.. don't say them..



my health is deteriorating. getting from bad to worse. every run simply triggers relapse. this is not funny. i feel so hollow in my stomach. burning a hole.. gastritis getting worse.. i..worry. something else is going on.. i can't move my leg after sitting down for 30 mins on the floor. i will take care.. i will.. for my mum. i will..




today common test.. i score badly. hahas.. mm.. i.. heh.. smiled.. my laoshi.. who is a SIR teaching me. hahas.. so funny. "my bad, my bad" and blinks are his "logo" lols.. i name it. hahas.. he's really patient to teach me.. thank goodness he teaches me. hahas.. otherwise i have no one else to turn to either.. hahas. very good impression on him o. later.. hahas.. he gotta teach~ lols. mm.. i know i won't.. maybe is admiration? i don't know.. hahas. opps.. hahas..



i drew a picture today.. cried too.. here.. upon his message. everything came back.. i want to forget.
"i'm drained."
"let go..."
i wrote.
i cried again..why..? i don't get it..
she(min) says i still like you..
i really have no idea about it.. =I

Squeaks` @* 12:51 AM
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

i remembered.. remembered whose phone number was it. you..
i didn't expect that i hate you this deep. this deep..
i shiver at the moment i know who that message was from.. i shivered..
if you had never sms me.. you're forgotten..
i wished you never sms me. never did..
i wished i never knew you. i hoped that i would never see you anymore. for life.
i tried to forget everything you had done. but it lingers.
i got very upset over you for making stars.
because i think you don't deserve them; they are not meant for you
i hate you.
to the extent. i want to delete every memory we had.
utterly hates you.




but hating someone is so difficult.. i never like to hate.
my chinese teacher said.. about beauty at heart. mine.. is corrupted, ugly.
i really got touched. should be a forgiving one.
i shared the last memory of you with my friend.
i don't expect to get them back anymore. throwing them for good.

i don't hate you now. =)
i deleted every memory now. the bad. the good.
the sms too.
i don't know you now. we're strangers..
you are totally forgotten..
stars stands for hope and wishes. wish for something nice.
everyone deserves a wish. you won't be deprive of.
past forgotten, present forgiven, future strangers apart.


i want to be beautiful at heart. i never knew you..
never does.



when you see this.. i think.. i won't remember you anymore.
lead your life to the fullest.

Squeaks` @* 2:31 AM
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Sunday, February 17, 2008

it feels so terrible to hate..

my "tutor" taught me how to let go.. thank goodness.. but i don't have much intention to contact him anymore.. should forgive and forget. a lot of courage needed.. i need a rest. lols. maybe at a much later time bas.. need time to forgive too..

thanks.. mm.. taught a lot.. heh.. depend on him la~~ the teacher to be. hahas.. depend my studies on him.. lols..

*stop apologising.. nothing went wrong.. the cute reaction he did. this is what i think.

studies wan sui~ hahas.. i must achieve my goal. must..

Squeaks` @* 4:26 AM
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Saturday, February 9, 2008

mm.. i went out.. to visit people.. hahas.. quite..out..

anyway.. ostracized myself. thanks anyway.. everyone who cared.. rest..

this is a new blogskin..

if there is a castle.. i wish to see how prince charming look like because guys nowadays aren't faithful.. mm..

i need no valentine. =x

Squeaks` @* 8:42 AM
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About

.stella.sekki.
Age 17. Jan baby.
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