hais.. another day passed.. wrongs in updating blogs in late night..
i admit.. is my fault.. i shouldn't be rude to her.. i really don't know what to say.. getting short-tempered..
she told me.. "don't go chatroom chat with strangers. it's very dangerous. i saw news about girls getting cheated. so don't chat with them. besides, you're supposed to be asleep by now. it's late."
"i'm not in chatroom! in the blog! it's a kind of diary!" in a fierce tone.
"i don't know whatever you're doing. but you're always going on the internet at such late nights.. and you went out as and when you want come back the time you deem fit.. i don't know la. i'm just trying to to warn you. you want, you listen. if you don't think it's fine, then i will never tell you again.. ignore you, do what you think right."
"you don't even trust me!"
"i'm just trying to warn you.. i'm not unreasonable. if you're trying to give me attitude in exchange of my kind intention, nevermind. i'll will not tell you a single thing again........."
that was the conversation.. what am i supposed to say.. just simple 2 sentences.. i shot my heart to death.. with my own gun pointing to my heart.. i actually triggered..
i used it in the night cos' the guys are using it in the day.. being mistaken but not clarified. or rather, no chance of speaking it out.
she pinned high hopes on me.. but i don't feel appreciated by her.. every year, i got award for fairly well results.. but this has became a "take it for granted". i'm supposed to get all these.. but i'm tired.. even exams are over.. pressure only grew bigger. her siding towards my younger brother for my fault. telling all her problems to my younger sister. loves my younger brother for what he does. and me.. slowly become a stranger in her heart..
just because of stupid sacrificial of my time for studies.. for the past 4 years in the school, i've been spending most of my time there. and my mum who was close to me when i wasn't in this school, drifted apart from me. heart just shattered.. even in the middle of the night, dare not face her, i looked her when she's sleeping with this word spoken to her.."sorry, mum"
somehow.. regretted getting good results.. cos' in the end, i got a piece of waste paper.. a paper that the society thinks worthy of. but in my heart.. it turned into nothing.. in exchange of my mum's heart, love and care. i hate it..
i should blame myself.. blames... on me.
though i've done so much that she didn't see but she saw what i didn't do. whatever i've done became invisible. used to be a fillial and good daughter, i became a rebellious juvenile in her heart..saddened..
*hearts that used to locked as one, bonding was as strong as anything in the world, cracked. one day broken which might break away.. only see a little girl from far, standing alone, trying reach out amend but was pushed away but the gust of winds. now, her heart's dead.
rather, having a circle that goes on round and round.. endless love.
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