somehow.. i'm not normal.. whether attitude or behavior.. it's unlike myself. i haven't talk for almost half a day.. speaking to people for less than 50 sentences.. and even anyone ask why, i couldn't answer.. something is just missing.. empty in the heart.. should i say that i'm heartless?? then can anyone just tell me what's happening..? i can't feel anything.. emotionless.. even if anyone scolds me, i remained quiet..
hais.. forgotten how to be angry..hais..
i feel so silent.. i want noisy me to be back.. somehow.. i wish.. deardear could be by my side.. hais.. i just hope for a company.. hais.. but it's okay.. being quiet.. hmm.. at least i did laundry, cooking, dish washing, packing.. and studied.. perhaps.. it's good afterall.. at least deardear not here.. i did something..
i feel isolated.. kind of weak, like crying.. hais.. still tore my skin while brushing all the clothes, having it to bleed.. hais.. i want to be myself.. neglection.. continuous.. hais..
is it because something that i do is wrong and deserved to be isolated? or is it because i could study in this way then? not cherished.. hais..
i know i can do something.. my prelim's here.. deardear not neglecting me.. is just that he wants me to study.. and emotional is cause by too much stress or is it really because i don't feel at home.. living in my own world.. having everybody to think that i'm crazy, attitude? i really prefers to stay in school.. at least there are "same kind of people" as me who really understands how i feel like.. with much support, i'm able to regain myself faster.. study and study.. hais.. sometimes i feel like playing guitar, basketball just to vent my "unhappiness" or rather an unknown emotion.. just like today.. played guitar.. do chores.. and tire out.. finally to have myself crazy in bball.. but no strength.. now.. the only little energy left to write this journal.. to talk to someone.. someone who hears my heartfelt.. without anyone listen now, who can i turn to?
but it's okay.. a way of learning independence? my family complains that i'm not doing my chores.. then? i did.. no one sees.. i studied.. no one knows.. i've been living in my own world.. communication breakdown.. i wish i could be crazy with my friends.. at least i'm free to do something i want to.. to sneakily go blogging.. chat online.. to sit and study in a good environment.. with warmth at least.. am i loving school and disliking home? or is just a spur of moment in unhappiness..?
he said he'll cherish me even more.. think he sensed my silent behavior.. hahas.. silly.. kks.. la.. i've got source of happiness.. =) first smile today.. really.. hahas.. hmm.. kkx la.. i'll await his return.. meanwhile to study and learn my way of growing up without immaturity. hahas.. and.. to work hard for my goals.. great.. *smile*
*i'm not trying to be attitude.. i'm really emotionless.. hahas.. but coming back to myself.. hees.. thank you dear.. hugs.. without your support, perhaps life's really is boring.. what a sunshine..hahas..*
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