continuous of emotions part II..
self-isolation
zzz.. i'm still as quiet as yesterday.. at least 50 to 60 sentences?? hahas.. hmm.. hais.. my mum is waiting for me to talk to her... but then i kept quiet.. i want no quarrels actually.. when anyone wish to be angry with me.. i would remain silent for that person to scold.. my mum just wish to say something la.. but after her remarks, i don't have confidence le.. as in.. maybe i presumed myself as an abandoned child.. unwanted.. it's kind of crazy to be jealous of mother's love at this age but it's obvious that i'm not at home so often.. and that my mum naturally contacts more with my siblings.. and that i'm kind of left out.. craze.. i actually did self-isolation.. said nothing much the 2 days.. doing my stuffs..
she said that i didn't do work and my siblings are always doing it for me; i'm always away from home and that during the weekends i'm not doing much..; i'm always busy..
i did nothing much for my work.. but to do chores for the past 2 days.. no complains, kept quiet- emo-ing.. crazy la.. but i feel more comfortable.. till i have this late night to do my journal like this to do my confession.. hais.. hmm..
confession
i wish i'm not as capable as my mum thinks i am.. hope that she does pay a little attention to me.. just maybe an hour only..? without scoldings..? without reprimands.? without remarks? with a little care? that's more than enough.. i left only my boyfriend's attention.. which i think i don't get it everytime.. parental love is important.. and relationship is another thing.. he could only accompany me in the night for at most 1/2 hour out of 24 hours a day.. zzz.. i don't get it.. is it younger ones gets more than older child can have.. cos' they think that we're mature enough? hahas..well.. i need supports.. and everytime she gives remarks, it's hammering fragile heart of a child.. i don't need total attention.. but the sight of her good relations with my younger sis, brothers, it is kind of telling me that i'm "out".. and is really out of the sort.. hais.. then i'll start emo-ing; quiet; no action.. i do nothing of the sort to do unscrupulous stuff to gain sympathy or love from parents..just quiet.. sitting there.. while i see her awaiting my response which is so unknown to me that she wants me to initiate a conversation to her.. no matter what.. i still am the one who gave her attitude that day.. =(
i just wish that he could comfort me a little.. so i could make it up my loss? hahas.. silly right? but i'm just as normal as other girls.. loss of love somewhere, to make it up from elsewhere.. he's not here..
emptiness
i didn't do anything.. just left this emptiness.. until i finally realised today that i got a bit of sour in chest when i saw her playing with my mum.. she looked at me.. i didn't even watch her much.. i didn't do it on purpose.. honestly.. keeping a distance from someone i really wish to get near to is hard.. i just kept my wantings to myself.. tormenting myself with all the work i can do.. house chores complete.. emo.. talking not more than 10 words each sentence..getting all the cut on the hands, the legs from the chores.. working from 4 pm when i finished my arts till 1 am.. other than 3 hours of tv and resting.. i've been working.. i want some comfort.. in a protective zone at least..? so i won't feel so hurt.. so i won't feel that i have missing ***** in the chest..
tiredness
i hate... exam.. as if i'm barred from him.. the more i tried to reach out.. the more i'm away from him.. he said he don't have much time tomorrow for me.. he only have a day of preparation and book in again.. maybe till 2 months when my exams totally is over then will he "make it up" to me.. i need a shoulder to lean on now.. i'm so tired.. i guess i can only wait for his return.. if i could be normal again.. to go back to school.. hais.. study till late nights.. it's okay.. at least i've got aim.. then come back watch a little tv.. sleep.. tire myself even more.. then i can feel at ease.. secure.. hais.. tired..
have been crying..
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